Friday, June 20, 2008

My inappropriate desire of the opposite sex

I'm not satisfied with my physical appearance. I'm too fat for my tastes and have struggled with finding the discipline to meet my physical standards. Over the past few days I've devoted time to thinking about the history of me trying to lose weight and why I've failed to do so. Ultimately, my failure stems from a weak commitment to self discipline. This weak commitment has manifested itself in an acute and extensive array of excuses I offer myself for being content with the way I look.

Yesterday I discovered that I over emphasize minimal progress in meeting my physical appearance goals. I recently lost close to 15lbs. after 2 months of rigorous exercise only to gain it all back when my discipline succumbed to a change in my daily schedule. During this regression I clung to the small changes in appearance I experienced from my previous hard work as an excuse to slack off. My thinking was, 'at least I won't have to start from where I started from three months ago'. Unfortunately, this thought is not entirely true. While I'm not back to my original size before I began working out, the mental discipline I need to make significant changes is still the same. I still make the same excuses and avoid the same avenues to success in fear of their difficulty and subsequent discomfort.

Now to the revelation that lead me to this entry. I discovered today that my desire to be liked by the opposite sex serves as a validation for the person I am dissatisfied with. The beginnings of this thought occurred last night while talking to a friend about her relationship with a guy who is overweight. They have been close friends for a year and decided to explore a romantic relationship with each other. Unfortunately, things will not work out mainly because the my girl friend is unhappy with the guy's physical appearance. She has not broken up with him in hopes that he grasp the extent of her dissatisfaction and recognize that he probably won't change. Of course this is absurd to hope for for the precise reason I discovered in myself. She is providing validation for his stagnation (sorry for the rhyme distraction) by hoping he will give up his pursuit. I told her however, that he will never do so because it's easier for him to deal with the idea that she might change than it is for him to confront his self-esteem. It took me nearly 24hrs to realize I use the affections of women as validation that I'm fine just the way I am; a notion I reject every time I take my shirt off.

So what now? I must embrace the idea that women may not be interested in me because I'm too fat for them. And as long as I'm too fat for me I should continue to embrace this notion. It's been my policy to grudgingly reject women I suspect might feel that way. Of course our culture suggests that this is valid because everyone knows that a person should love you regardless of what you look like. I've always thought this to be a completely stupid notion, but it's only now that I recognize how readily I embraced it when faced with the alternative of confronting my self-esteem. The only thing to do now is meet my standards of self I consider possible and reasonable to achieve. I know loosing weight can be done and it's more than reasonable for me to do it. Because of this new revelation it would not be proper, fair, or wise for me to accept the affections of any woman until this goal is met. This is the conclusion I've run away from and its been a major contributor to my lack of progress. So to all the women out there who I meet and those whom I've met let me state unequivocally that I am not available. I will not consider myself available until I can stand naked in front of the mirror with pride and confidence. This I declare on June 20, 2008.

If you think this entry was difficult to write, it was. But surprisingly not as difficult as I thought it would be before I sat down to write it. Let any embarrassment I feel serve as the motivation I may need if my discipline falters. Far to often we ignore our discomfort with things we have the to power to change. I will no longer accept a relationship that is below my standards; the standards I hold for myself.

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