Why I don't talk to people

While in India I was reminded of something I’ve been very disappointed to learn about people, but adults especially. People don’t ask themselves the question ‘why?’. Moreover, when confronted with the question in relation to their actions many people dismiss the relevance of asking such a question by claiming there is no answer to the question. Before I begin to tell the tale let me start by stating the importance of being able to answer ‘why’ when faced with evaluating actions.

            The simple question of ‘why’ is the gateway to reason, humanity’s most important tool for dealing with reality. Why gives meaning and purpose to actions and causes us to think critically. There is a reason why children often ask ‘why’ incessantly; they are attempting to find meaning; they are exercising their minds just as they exercise their muscles on the playground. Besides being a tool of reason the question ‘why’ is also the motivation behind the currency of exchange between minds, reason. With anything that is not immediately clear one, assuming they care to understand, would ask a variety of questions to ascertain understanding; the most philosophical question being ‘why?’ If a person is to be understood then they must explain themselves to the person asking ‘why?’ (again, assume the person being asked desires to explain themselves). When examining one’s own actions and thoughts a person must also turn to ‘why’ in order to better understand themselves. Without embracing the question ‘why?’ a person remains a child acting on feelings without critical thought; a practice that can cause tremendous damage to a person’s life.

            So, during a visit to Kumbhalgahr Wildlife Sanctuary I asked a question concerning marriage of the people I was with. The question was simply what is the best thing about being married, the worst thing, and one thing you know now that would have been useful at the beginning of your marriage. All the people in the room were older than myself by at least 5 years, all were academics, all but two were white Americans,  and all but one had been married at least 5 years. I waited until the second round of scotch before asking this question in hopes that people would be loose enough to answer.  Not surprisingly they assumed that I asked the question because I was very nearly ready to ask someone to marry me. When I told them I was very single their interest in answering my question dropped precipitously. This in itself was very discouraging as it shouldn’t matter what stage of a relationship I was in. If anything knowing the answer to my question would be more useful to someone of my status than someone who has mostly made up their mind to get married.

            Nonetheless I pressed the issue and tried to assure them that I was very sincere about the question. Upon realizing I was serious a few proceeded to give mostly incoherent dribble, saying marriage is ‘great’, ‘easier than they thought’, ‘an everyday struggle’, etc. Interestingly none of them answered my question. The best answer was given by Dr. X who said that marriage was about caring for someone else in life. He said it was important to be an individual, but to also have responsibilities outside of oneself in order to stay grounded. I disagree with some of this philosophy, but at least it was coherent and defensible.

            The most upsetting part of this experience was Dr. Y’s response as we were leaving to go downstairs for dinner. He explained that much of marriage is ‘just doing’ for the other person. He continued by saying that once you’re married you do things for the other person because you are married, you sacrifice because that’s what marriage is all about. ‘Just like doing things for your kids, you simply do the things you’re supposed to do’ he finished. Quite appalled by this point I explained that I was interested in the ‘why’ behind such actions. He replied, ‘there is no why, you just act’.

            This is one of the worst things I’ve heard an adult say. Moreover, this statement came from a respected, tenured, scientist! Later on during the visit I discovered that Dr. Y is a Christian, which explains why he’s not particularly interested in discovering the reasons behind his actions. Nevertheless, the rest of the faculty members either didn’t answer anything or avoided the question by chiding me for asking such a question at my young age of 25.

            Needless to say I was disappointed with this response and appalled at Dr. Y’s answer. It is experiences like this that cause me to title entries such as this one. How is one able to grow and improve as a person when their questions aren’t taken seriously or answered at all? How is one expected to be comfortable with just acting because one finds themselves in a particular situation? How are people expected to have meaningful conversations when people are clearly not interested in the question ‘why?’ I am continuously confronted with conversations like this from peers and those older than me. I cannot grow in an environment with people that communicate the way most people communicate their ideas and thoughts. This is why I normally don't have meaningful conversations with most people and why I absolutely treasure the times when I do. The intellectual culture, as I’ve observed thus far, is deteriorating rapidly and it’s disappointing to be reminded that such deterioration is facilitated by those who should be supporting it. I wonder why that is?